Saturday, January 14, 2012

♔ (late) goals for the new year - and life in general ♔

I know, I know, I'm a whole two weeks late! In my defense, I normally don't "do" New Year's Resolutions. They seem a bit ridiculous to me - why do you have to wait for January 1st to start being better? Why not start whenever you're ready, or whenever you can?

But this year I really do want to see some big changes in my life, it just took me a while to compile a list. And it's not a New Year's Resolution, it's a Life Resolution.

1) The dreaded "Be Healthier". 
It seems that literally almost everyone has this same resolution. I know it's been on my list for years. But I'm not saying I just want to lose weight - I want to be a healthier person. This includes not only getting in shape and eating better, but being a healthier person mentally, which is exponentially a harder task.

So far in January Jonathan and I have revamped our grocery list and are buying almost everything healthy and fresh. It's more expensive by far, and not always as satisfying when you're craving something you definitely don't have, but I do feel a bit better. I'm also working on healthy alternative recipes to things we love, like pizza and chocolate.

As for the whole exercising's not going as well as I planned. We live on the top floor of our complex, so vigorous activity might be rude. I bought a little bicycle pedal machine but it didn't work like I wanted so I took it back. Social anxiety/money is holding me back from a gym membership. I'm thinking about seeing if Jonathan would take up walking with me. I do walk CONSTANTLY at work, which is probably what has prevented me from weighing 400lbs in the past.

But what if I don't lose weight this year? What if I stay exactly the same, or even get bigger? This leads me to goal number 2.

2) Accept yourself, either way. 
Self-explanatory. It's been on the list for 21 years and hasn't happened yet, but I'm working on it harder than ever this year. 

3) Be more social.
The past two years have been the most anti-social of my entire life. I can contribute some of it to anxiety, but most have been my own personal short-comings. I have a bad habit of writing people off without giving them a chance because I feel that we won't have enough in common. I've scared multiple people away by being distant and awkward, and it's something I really need to work on, because I live a fairly lonely life.

4) Be more crafty.
I've been crafty in the past. I know I have all the makings of a crafty person. It's just the commitment to learning and making mistakes that keeps me from doing it. Plus the money involved. But I think it's something I could be very good at, and might give me something to do with the amount of free time I spend bored. I really want to learn to cross-stitch! And finally learn to sew.

5) Save money. 
I've become quite a frugal person as of late, and I like to think that I'm finding better and better ways to save and manage my money. But I'm still thousands of dollars in student loans, and I have no savings to my name. I want to not only save money by finding cheaper alternatives but literally put some away for important things in my life that are yet to come.

6) Be spontaneous! Be happy!
In the past year I haven't really done anything spontaneously fun, and in my memory those are the things that provide me with the most happiness. Photoshoots and dress-ups with friends, random late night drives, trips to somewhere new are the things that have made my life memorable in the past. I want to do way more of it this year!

Friday, January 6, 2012

♔ five instant confidence boosters! ♔

I'm not going to lie, I basically have to fight with myself every day in the mirror to get to the point where I think, "Okay, I look pretty decent." There are times when I kind of give up. But the following things are always sure to make me just a little more confident, that require minimal effort.

They don't have to come up to your knees or have a five inch heel. Putting on a good pair of boots for me takes a basic outfit and amps up the sex appeal. I feel most kick-ass in a pair of black flat boots, with feminine details, like these I recently purchased from Torrid!


 It's an every day staple for me. If I'm not wearing it, people tend to ask me if I'm sick. That alone should tell you the positive things it does for my personal confidence. But even for someone who doesn't typically do eyeliner/eye make up, it instantly brings drama and personality to your face.


In my opinion, almost every girl looks sexier with big, bouncy curls. Luckily enough I already have naturally curly hair, but they certainly high maintenance and require TLC and product. Even so, I feel better rocking curls over straightened hair any day.


I'll admit, I'm in a bit of a style rut lately, but for the past few years I've acquired quite a collection of dresses and skirts. I don't always feel like wearing them, but every time I do I'm instantly glad I did. I always feel more feminine and prettier in a dress, even if it's something simple.


The easiest and quickest way to boost my confidence is hearing positive words from someone I love. For me, it's my mom or my boyfriend. Both of them have seen me at my worst, and still think I'm hot shit at all times. All it takes is "You look beautiful" from either one of them, and I'm ready to face anything, even a 9 hour work day.

Monday, January 2, 2012

♔ girl crushes week 1♔

To kick of this blog the right way, I'm going to post a weekly installment of sexy ladiez of a variety of shapes and sizes, who's style/bodies are just awesome.

Without further ado!

unknown, found on tumblr
Hot ladies in the kitchen, always welcome.
unknown, found on tumblr
omg look at her waist-to-hip ratio
I love her confidence! She has a totally fearless style. 
Not only does she have amazing style but she is probably the coolest mom I've ever seen ever
Another hot momma! She exudes confidence.

Thanks for being hot, ladies!

♔ my body's story ♔

All my life, I have never been the "skinny" one.

You could say that I haven't always had body issues, but I have to look back a long way to find them. As a child I was "normal" sizes up until about 12. This was when I hit the most awkward time in my life (as it is for many people) - I began to have acne, my hips got wider, my belly got softer, and my thighs grew.

It started there, and got worse. In middle school I kept wondering when I would get "acceptable" boobs, or when I would lose my "baby fat". I didn't get either. I wore my mother's grubby old one-piece bathing suits when I went swimming with shorts over my thighs. I wore strictly boy's t-shirts and jeans that covered my entire waist. (I don't have any photos online from this time, which is okay with me because honestly it's painful to look at for me.)

I thought then that I had it bad, but it would only become worse.

In high school, not only was I awkward and very quiet, but I realized then that if my body wasn't going to fix itself, I would have to fix it. I ate one meal a day, which was after school, and it was either baked tilapia and a salad or chicken noodle soup. I grew faint every day, and I passed out several times in my choir class. I exercised every day on my mother's Gazelle in our living room for at least an hour after school. This was the only time in my life that I steadily lost weight, and I honestly thought it was healthy. I would never go so far as to classify this time in my life as "eating disordered", but I can see now that it certainly wasn't healthy.

Age 17, size 6
Finally in college, I can honestly say I was the most confident I had been in my life. I had dropped 40 pounds from my middle school weight, was now a solid size 8, and though I wasn't "skinny" I was confident enough to wear and do what I wanted.

Age 18, size 8
It was short lived. After an incredibly messy year long break up with my first serious relationship, I was alone, with very little money and very little respect left for myself. I lost weight and gained weight. I destroyed my metabolism on excessive drinking, little sleep, and too much work. I rose and fell and finally at the end had to seek medical help before I could start over.

It's been two years since then. I've completely moved on in my life, but I can't say that I'm a better person physically. Being with Jonathan has made me comfortable, and in doing so I've become one of those people who doesn't "try" as much. I'm now typically a size 12, though I can get into a 10 depending on what it is. I don't feel like my body is mine anymore, and I don't recognize it when I look in the mirror.

It's changed with me - my thighs are so big that they wear holes in my jeans where they rub each other. My stomach stretch marks have faded only to be replaced with bright new red ones. My calves hardly fit into standard sized boots.

Age 20, my most recent full body shot, size 10-12
I'm making small improvements toward a healthy lifestyle. I rarely drink (maybe once a month or every two months) and I'm devoting time and money to learn to prepare more healthy alternatives for myself. I'm trying to find ways to dress my body which make me confident and still express my eclectic style.

I find that most of the style blogs I've seen are either for skinny girls or "plus sized" girls, of which I think I fall somewhere in the middle (obviously more towards plus sized). My body is suited for neither of those extremes, which makes me feel a little uncertain of how I should look, and how it is acceptable for me to dress. 

While I'm dissatisfied with myself, I am still ever aware throughout all my insecurities that this body is the only one I have, and I'm forced to love it or spend the rest of my life fighting with it. As a person who already has enough mental instability and things to worry about, I don't think it's worth it.

I hope that by sharing my insecurities and finding ways to destroy them can help others too.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

♔ intro ♔

Hello bloggers!

My name is Melanie Ann. I'm a 21 year old cat lady from Fayetteville, Arkansas. I have a passion for funky clothes, RPGs, and kitties of course. I have a wonderfully creative boyfriend named Jonathan and we share an apartment with our two furbabies and one close friend.

I work retail at the moment, unfortunately. I dropped out of college two years ago after a fairly major mental breakdown and not-even-quarter life crisis. I'm still trying to find what I'm truly good at, or any sort of passion hidden somewhere in me. It's a difficult journey, but I have hope that at some point I'll figure it out.

I mean to use this blog as somewhat personal, somewhat crafty, somewhat fashion inspired blog. Also I'd like to recognize dealing with my own negative body image and make an attempt to better myself and others like me with curves in more places than they are happy with.

If these things seem interesting to you, be sure to follow me!

I'm also on the following sites: